Our Girl meets Broadchurch
by LolaGirl14
Summary: Just something fluffy after the TV reviews and twitter comments. :)
1. Chapter 1

Just something a bit silly with OG/BC meeting.

'As you were lads' Captain James walked into the ops tent. Before him 2 & 3 section sat notebooks open ready to capture his instructions for this new mission.

'Right, we are out of Salisbury at 11.30 hours. I know, I know its very early Fingers but we have a long day ahead of us. We will be taking the National Express to Broadchurch eta 14.00 hours. Our mission is to intercept and discover the plot line for Series 2 of Broadchurch. It appears no one seems to know what is going on. Too many secrets and too many plot lines. Added to that a whole batch of new characters bringing more secrets and plot lines that no one really cares about'

He looked around the room at his section. Molly Dawes had her head in her hands, slowly shaking her head. Baz Vegas and Nude-Nut were mouthing 'Taliban' to each other. Brains was writing notes and in fact was on his, yes, his third notebook. Dangles was, where was Dangles? He looked at Smurf, his ever reliable soldier. WTF Smurf was dead, how did he get here? Oh well all hands on deck he thought.

'Kinders take us through it.'

'Sir, Okay guys we will take the M4, M38, M89, M7, M6, A3765, M9. There will be some hilly terrain so Fingers take your travel sickness pills.'

'Corp will do.' Fingers began writing furiously in his notebook. He looked over at Brains who was now onto his fifth notebook and seemed in no hurry to stop taking notes.

Dangles suddenly ran into the room carrying a Boots carrier bag. 'Nice of you to join us Dangles.' Captain James remarked in a stern voice. He was standing with his arms folded and was not happy.

'Sorry Boss but I had to go to three different Boots until I could get the L'Oreal hair colour deep mahogany you wanted.' Captain James stepped forward and snatched the bag. 'Oh yes right, thanks for that. Carry on Kinders.'

Kinders looked back at the white board and pointed to the map of Broachchurch. 'Okay once we are here we will be making our way to this ice cream truck positioned on the beach. We will need to form an orderly queue and put our orders in.'

He turned as he heard a noise outside the tent. People were shouting. A female voice was shouting at someone 'get away from me now or else I will piss in a cup and throw it over you.'

'Nice Miller, very nice. Now get in the tent.'

The two people entered and stopped. 2 &3 Section turned to look at them. Well Brains didn't turn he was now onto his sixth notebook and was busy writing his ops notes.

Captain James looked over 'Can we help?'

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. 'I am looking for Captain James. I am DI Hardy this is DS or PC depending what series we are in Miller.'

Kindlers looked at Captain James and then back to them. He had not seen Tony Grounds this week had he thrown them a curveball? Those blasted writers always trying to keep people on their toes.

'Sorry mate we cant understand a word you are saying.' Fingers threw his hands up in air 'Is he french or something? What is he saying?

The platoon looked towards Captain James he was looking towards the window at his reflection admiring his hair. Damn he looked good today. Kinders coughed and he looked around at the room. 'Ah, I think lads what we have here is someone from Scotland.'

A gasp went around the room. Molly Dawes began crying 'oh no not a bleeding Scot.' Captain James looked over at her and thought she had never looked more awful. Her eyes were red rimmed, her hair was a bloody mess and she seemed to be wearing some football shirt under her uniform. He would need to take that off later. He coughed, 'Right so I think you said you are DI Hardy?

'Correct, we are here to assist with operation Broadchuch, understand you are being sent to crack the plot line for series 2. Miller here will give you an overview of what we know so far.'

' I will?'

DI Hardy pushed Miller to the front of the tent. Captain James stepped to the side and motioned for Kinders to do the same.

'Right, well hello everyone. I'm Ellie DS or PC Miller not really sure this week which it is. We have a lot to get through.'

Brains reached into his kit bag and pulled out five more notebooks. He was ready.

'So, we are very behind mainly due to a lack of resources, also really to string the whole thing out for a second series. But, now we have you lot we can hit the ground running. We need to go door to door and there have been a lot of phone calls we need to respond to.'

Nude-Nut and Baz looked at each other 'Taliban' they high five'd each other.

Suddenly everyone started reaching for their mobiles as they all began buzzing, bleeping, vibrating.

DI Hardy read his phone.

'For Gods sake bloody Twitter, our incompetence in keeping this case under wraps has made it worse. How did the confusion over the plot line get to Twitter?

DS/PC Miller put up her hand 'I think it might have been me?'

'No actually I think it might have been me I have 27k followers' The heads in the room swivelled to look at Captain James who seemed to be tapping something into his phone. Mansfield Mike looked at Captain James. 'Sir are you tweeting?'

'Mansfield I only tweet once a quarter and I did that last night after watching episode three. Sorry lads. But, I was so confused'

DI Hardy looked at at Captain James who was now engrossed in reading something on his phone. 'Captain James anything you want to share with the room?'

The Captain looked up 'No, no carry on just researching local hairdressers in Broadchurch, I might need to get a trim whilst I am there.'

DI Hardy lowered his head, this was like a nightmare. He thought series one had been torture but this crossing ITV and the BBC it would never work. He had told Simon Cowell that. But Cowell had said in order to take over British TV and the world he needed to get close to Danny Cohen.

'Finish the god damn briefing Miller.'

'Right, well, like I said before I'm Ellie DS/PC'

The room responded 'Yes we heard that get on with it.'

'Right, yes so well we will need to work together and I am sure we can crack this.'

'Very inspiring Miller.' DI Hardy smirked at her.

Miller was furious and would make a point not to sit next to Hardy on the coach she was definitely not sharing her pick & mix with him.

'Right, thank you DS/PC Miller very enlightening I am sure.' Captain James looked around the room he was losing the platoon. He was sure Dangles was asleep. He needed to get their attention back.

He moved to the middle of the tent, he was stood under a light it cast a soft glow over him, He knew this was when he looked his best. Folding his arms as he had been taught he looked around the tent.

'The next two days will determine how successful our mission is. If we make it out of Broadchurch alive and in one piece it will be a miracle. I wish I could say I am proud to serve alongside each and every one of you but I am not sure I can say that as Captain Azzizi is really the one I like best.'

Molly Dawes sobbed a bit louder, the night was getting worse.

DI Hardy thought he had stepped into some sort of parallel universe. He got out his notebook and started reading from it.

'People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff.'

'Sorry wrong show thats my Doctor notebook. He reached into his other pocket and pulled out a different notebook.

Kinders looked from him to Captain James. But Captain James was looking at the medic now. She was still sobbing head in hands. This was turning into a long night.

'Okay here is what I know. There was a boy, there was a beach, there was a lot of water. There are cliff tops. Captain James you might want to take a walk and gaze out thoughtfully from them it could be right up your street.'

Captain James nodded, he liked to gaze thoughtfully, it made him look very clever. That what his mum said anyways.

DI Hardy continued 'You have to learn not to trust, there is no hiding place for this plot line. We will catch whoever wrote series two. We need to bring them in for questioning.'

Fingers looked at DI Hardy 'Sorry mate I still have no clue what you are saying. Where is Qaseem he is the interpreter.'

Everyone began looking for Qaseem, he had his head in a book "How to understand a Scottish mumbling accent'

'Captain James, I think they are targeting the female?'

Captain James adopted a quizzical look (he had been practicing this one too) 'The female which one we now have two.'

Molly Dawes looked up 'Hold on a minute thats not in my contract, I thought I was the female lead. I need to talk to my agent.'

DI Hardy threw his hands up in the air 'People can you focus. We need to finish this briefing off. I have to get out to Broadchurch and walk across a field looking puzzled and unwell.'

Captain James nodded 'Lads focus up, lets get this briefing finished. DS/PC Miller is there anything else you want to add?'

'Err, well, I, not sure I do to be honest. Think I have covered everything. Just need to get out there now.'

DI Hardy coughed 'Really inspiring Miller.'

Captain James looked down at her 'Right, well lads lets get ready to move out. Dismissed.'

Captain James walked out and motioned with a nod of his head for Hardy and Miller to follow him. DI Hardy thought this bloke would definitely be getting a mouthful from him if he did that nod thing again.

Once outside Captain James turned to them both. 'Stay alert, stay focused, stay alive.'

DI Hardy looked at him 'what are you taking about?'

With that he was gone. His gun swinging off his shoulder. Were you allowed to carry firearms around a Travel Lodge car park? And really what was with this tent? Surely the army could stretch to something that didn't look like it came from Millets.

DI Hardy looked around him, he had no idea what was going on. He felt even more confused. In fact more confused than he had felt half way through episode two. And he had been confused then.

Several hours later they were on the National Express heading to Broadchuch.

Brains was writing furiously. Fingers, Mansfield and the rest of 2 section were singing the wheels on the bus. Captain James had said he needed a medic and taken Dawes to the back of bus telling people not to disturb them. Muttering something about his blisters needing a good seeing to as he pulled her along.

Qaseem was still reading the book. Shaking his head saying things like 'Uc-I-A-nooooo.' He could not understand this language at all.

DS Miller had sat at the front of the coach and chatted to a very nice lady who was taking her staff on a night out. They all seemed very jolly and she was happy to share her pick & mix with them.

But suddenly what was happening behind them some boy racer was on their tail trying to overtake the coach. The coach driver was sweating and looked like he might pass out.

DS/PC Miller thought he looked vaguely familiar. She looked over from her seat and saw it was Steve MacDonald didn't he live on Coronation Street? What was he doing here? She looked at the person sat beside her recognising that it was in fact Carla Connor and across the aisle was Tracy Barlow.

'DI Hardy Sir.' She tried to get Hardy's attention but he was busy trying to open a pill bottle and was too engrossed to hear her.

She looked round in panic as the driver started to lose control of the coach UH OH too many plotlines…..


	2. Chapter 2

DI Hardy looked out of his office. There was mayhem in the open office area. He rolled his eyes what on earth could be happening now? This whole joint operation thing was not working for him.

He was fed up of all these army people wandering around, taking over his domain. DS Miller knocked on his door and walked in. She closed the door behind her.

'Sir, I need a word.'

'What is it Miller? He looked at her exasperated. This case was proving to be the most difficult one in his career. He looked at the secret files he had stored away wondering how they had made it from his secret drawer in his house to the office. Damn those continuity people, they could not get the simplest of tasks right.

'Well Sir if you lay down a seven letter word on a triple point square, do the 50 bonus points get trippled?'

'What are you talking about Miller?'

'Scrabble DI Hardy. We are playing a game with OG v BC and I say you do, Corporal Kinders well he says you don't.'

'Get out of my office now, get out before I throw you out.'

'Oh you grumpy sod, I am sick of this. I want to be a PC this week.'

'Well you cant Miller, we need to solve this case. Get rid of all these people and let Broadchurch return to being a seaside town where every resident has a secret. That way we might get a series 3.'

'Ah right, yes Sir. Leaving now.'

Miller closed the door behind her. Hardy started fumbling around for his pills, bloody bottle so difficult to open. There was a noise, he looked up. Captain James had opened the door and was stood in the doorway. 'Looks, like you might need a medic Hardy.'

'No I am fine.'

Captain James cocked his head. 'Nope can't understand that. Say it again.'

'Get out of my office James, get out now and close the goddam door behind you.'

'Well thanks don't mind if I do.' Captain James walked into the office and sat down on the sofa near Hardy's desk.

Hardy looked down at the pill bottle in his hands. Still unable to open it. He would need to take a walk soon and stumble around the cliff tops looking unwell. Perhaps today he should veer close to the edge and add some blurred vision in for effect. That normally helped the ratings.

'You making tea, love some. Got any for the medic?' Hardy looked at him incredulously. He didn't make tea for anyone. Well he had done it once for Miller but he hadn't been well that day. And it and been in the script.

'How long do you think you will stay in Hardy?' What was he rambling on about now? Did this guy ever let anyone answer the questions he asked? Probably not he thought, he will need to sort that out if they get a second series.

'Stay in Broadchurch?' Hardy looked at him. James nodded. 'Well I heard on Graham Norton there is a third series so I will be in it for while.' Captain James nodded thoughtfully, he had really practiced this look and Groundsy had told him he was almost getting it right.

Hardy looked out into the main office. There seemed to be a disturbance of sorts taking place. 'Looks like your men have someone in custody Captain, we should probably check it out.' He looked over at Captain James who was currently filing his nails. 'Oh yes I will be right along, just need to do a buff and polish.'

Hardy rolled his eyes 'Millahr'

'Sir, you had better come out here. Like now please.'

DI Hardy got up from his desk and went to walk out of his office. Looking over his shoulder at Captain James who was now buffing his nails. He shook his head this was like that nightmare that never seemed to end.

He stepped out into the main office. Baz and Nude-Nut were high fiving again. What was it with those two. He looked behind them and saw the most amazing looking man. He was tall, very tall wearing leather trousers and some fur ceremonial robe. He also appeared to be wearing a crown.

What was going on now. It wasn't enough that he was part of the most confusing plot line, now someone was adding to his duties. Was there a medieval banqueting hall nearby?

'DI Hardy.'

Hardy nodded at him, and the fur wearing, crown headed man walked towards him. 'I let myself in, hope you don't mind?'

'Well it's a police station pretty much anyone can walk in here. What did you want? Apart from directions to the nearest M&S.'

The man smiled and took a sweeping bow as he stood in front of DI Hardy. 'As King Navarre I suppose you could say my visit is work related.' Hardy looked at him 'it is? I can't wait to hear this.' He looked over at Miller she was still in that blasted orange jacket, didn't she own anything else.

'Millahr here now.' She tapped his arm 'I am right here Sir.' 'Oh right. sort this out will you. I don't have time for it. This is DS/PC Miller, she can probably help you. I am kind of busy right now.'

'I am here to help DI Hardy. Your reports on the plot line operation have grown briefer and fewer. Why is that?'

'Why is that? Well I will tell you why Mr, er what did you say your name was?'

'I am Antoine King Navarre. I have travelled a great distance to meet you DI Hardy.'

Hardy looked around the room it was one of those awkward moments when you think someone s going to pull out their sonic screwdriver and realise once again you are not in that show anymore. His head ached, this whole plot line business was just too confusing and he wished he could rewind and go back to series one. It had all been so simple then.

He turned on his heel and walked back into his office. 'Captain James I think you had better get outside and see what is going on, we have a crackpot in the office.'

Captain James was busy on his iPhone. 'Right, yes any minute old chap I am actually in the middle of a bidding war on Ebay. Found some clairol rollers, you know you just can't find them anymore, and they really do make my hair look wonderful.'

'Ye God's I need to get out of here. Millahr.'

'What now, I am right in the middle of some parlour games with King Antoine, you would not believe the things he wants us to do with a bowl of fruit.'

Hardy looked over her shoulder and saw King Antoine was now making a bee line for the medic.

Antoine had the medic up against a wall 'Molly Dawes how you doing?' Molly had descended into a fit of giggles and was throwing her hair back over her shoulder. 'Erm Captain James you might want to take a look out here your medic is being ambushed by this King.' Hardy pointed in the direction of the super God that was King Anotine. A striking specimen of a man even if he did appear to be wearing some fur rug.

Captain James jumped up dropping his manicure set as he rushed out the door. 'Medic, come with me.' He nodded his head in the direction of the conference room. 'My blisters need cleaning up.'

King Antoine was on a roll now 'Molly Dawes you are radiant. Like venus rising from the foam flecked sea.'

The medic seemed to be very confused but was not moving. Captain James was now getting rather impatient. Those blisters must really be playing him up Hardy thought. He had never known a man need to have them cleaned and dressed quite so many times. He wondered if perhaps cleaning blisters was a euphemism for something else. But shook his head this was not an episode of QI.

'Dawes, now lets go.' The medic suddenly heard him calling her and ducked out from King Antoine's clutches.

Captain James was walking down the corridor with Dawes running behind him saying 'You okay?'

He looked down at her 'Why wouldn't I be?'

Oh dear thought Hardy she was in for it now. He would probably have her go hammer and tongs on those blisters…


	3. Chapter 3

Captain James was walking along the cliff's. DI Hardy had been right this was the perfect place for him to walk and be seen. He had made sure he had a worried & tortured look on his face. Every now and then he would stop and look out to sea. The best thing about this was the fact he had brought a camera crew to capture these moments. He was sure he had heard someone say 'fk'muppet' and looked around for 2 section. There was no one but the crew he raised a quizzical eyebrow, he was really mastering these looks. Those learn with Groundsy DVD's had been a great purchase.

He spotted DI Hardy walking towards him. Damn he must have had the same idea. He waved and saw Hardy stop and turn and start walking in the opposite direction. He decided to run and catch up with him. When he ran it was really a Baywatch type moment his hair was blowing in the breeze and he ran quite slowly to accentuate his long legs and rather lovely face.

He caught up with Hardy and tapped him on the arm. 'Hardy missed me?'

DI Hardy stopped to turn around. Captain James nodded his head in the direction of the sea 'I've got this Broadchurch grime in my hair, it's playing havoc with my curly waves.'

'Millahr'

'I don't think she is here Hardy. Last seen with that King Antoine looking at beds in Harvey's, there is a sale on this week. He says he needs them for a slumber party or sleepover or something. Must introduce myself to him later. Is he here to assist in operation plot line?'

Hardy shook his head. 'Why me?' Captain James was oblivious as he was gazing thoughtfully out to sea and directing the film crew to capture this moment.

'Any reason you are walking around with a film crew James?' Captain James looked behind and nodded. 'Yes, I am hoping to update my showreel, it's getting a bit old hat now.'

Hardy looked upwards mumbling to himself, 'how do I get out of this?'

Captain James also looked up thinking he was praying 'are you religious Hardy?'

DI Hardy looked over at Captain James 'Yep, I pray nightly that you'll stop asking me questions and get out of Broadchurch.'

James slapped Hardy on the back, laughing and walked on. 'Brilliant DI Hardy, you are amazing, proving yourself. I want you to be brilliant you know.'

'You what, you want me to brilliant, are you having a laugh?'

'Well, you are only part way through a journey, you never finished your walk along the cliffs. You obviously came here to think of cracking that plot line. And, well I heard you were the worst cop in Britain. So you need all the help you can get. A good walk along the cliff's must surely have helped you in series one.'

Hardy looked at him there was nothing more he wanted than to punch him in the chops. But, he thought better of it and made his way back to the car.

xxxxxxxx

Arriving back to the station he was shocked to find the whole place in darkness with the exception of some oddly placed candles.

'Millahr!'

'There is no need to shout I am right here.'

Miller appeared beside him bathed in the shadows of candlelight. How had he not seen her? Her orange jacket now florescent in the darkness. It was a shocking colour.

'What is going on? Are we in the middle of a power cut or something?'

'Well, we just decided to add some more tension to the plot line cracking plot. And that we should do it by candlelight now. So we turned the lights off. PC Lewis suggested it.' DI Hardy looked over at the PC who was unloading IKEA boxes and placing candles on any available workspace.

'This Miller is crap, you know that?

'Right well, thats excellent.'

'But it's not excellent Miller is it?'

'Right, well no. Shall I turn the power back on then?'

'I think that might be best eh?'

'Right oh well, thats excellent then.'

With the power back on and the fire hazard extinguished Hardy walked into his office and sat down. He looked at his desk full of paperwork. Someone had put two books on there and he looked at each one. How to crack a really, difficult, headache inducing tough plot line by Chris Chibnall. Plot line breakdown in 2,500 easy steps by Tony Grounds.

He sunk back in his chair, not sure how he would ever crack this and get back to Gracepoint. At some point he needed to go solve that case.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Captain James walked into DI Hardy's office. 'Hardy Ops tent now.' He indicated with a nod to come out and follow him. Hardy looked up and signed. This bloody nodding head business. He should make a nodding head of him and put it in the back of his car (Hmmmm MN there's an idea for the AGM).

'James you do know there is no tent don't you?'

He got up and walked out into the main office. In front of him was a tent. He looked around him how was this happening? He walked in. Captain James was whispering to the medic. He heard muttering about going halves on a Travel Lodge. Dawes was in fits of giggles.

The doors swung open in the main office and two trumpeters arrived and stood on either side. Hardy walked out of the tent at hearing the noise and looked around the office, everyone had stood up and was bowing. WTF was going on he looked across at Miller but she had dropped into a curtsey. Oh no he was back, King Antihistamine or whatever his name was.

The trumpeters started playing. Hardy looked around him was that Sexyback by Justin Timberlake? He looked back at 2 section who were throwing some shapes around the office.

King Antoine swept in carrying his goblet, spilling wine as he walked. He walked over to Captain James who had now stepped out of the ops tent and was admiring himself in his mirror app on his phone.

'Captain James.'

Captain James swung around and looked at the man in front of him. So this was the King. Hmmmm not much to look at, and his hair shocking! What a cockwomble. DI Hardy walked over and stood in the middle of them looking from one to the other. They could be twins.

'Millahr.'

'Yes, yes alright I am here. No need to shout.'

'Do you see it?' Miller looked at him as he nodded his head in the direction of the King and Captain. 'See what Sir?'

'They are identical you muppet.'

Miller looked from one to the other. 'Er, I don't think so Sir. What makes you think that?'

'Kinders over here.' Corporal Kinders walked to DI Hardy. 'You must see it?' Kinders looked at the two men and nodded. 'I do see it DI Hardy.'

'Thank God. Hang on what do you see?'

'Well, Captain James is taller. Thats what you meant eh?'

Hardy hung his head disaster…..

Hardy looked back at the two men, Neither were talking but they were eyeballing each other. King Antoine spoke 'Molly Dawes. I hear she is a great beauty. Have you fallen for her?'

Captain James spluttered 'What, no she is the medic she takes care of my blisters.'

Antoine spoke 'Hmmmm I do hope that is not a euphemism Captain.'

Molly suddenly piped up 'Is that a medical term for blisters sir?'

'Shut the f'k up Dawes.' Captain James was now looking a bit harassed. He was running his head through his hair.

'Sir?' Dawes went and sat down and started crying.

Anotine leaned in 'If the time should come when you need to choose between your platoon and your blisters. Well, your choice will be clear.'

Captain James looked at him and then looked down at Hardy. 'What are you talking about she is the medic?'

'Of course Captain. But well some people around here have secret desires for each other. He looked at Hardy and then at Miller. I may throw one of my rather scandalous parties.

Hardy looked down at his phone and tweeted

#IHateTheAirIHateTheSandIhateTheStupidPeopleIHateTheWayTheyWork

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


	4. Chapter 4

'Millahr!'

'Right here Boss. No need to shout I was sitting next to you.'

'Oh right.'

'Miller, you know what I did last night?'

'Dressed up as Lady Gaga Sir?'

'No Miller, I went over the files of this case. Why can we not crack this plot line? It should be a piece of cake for us. I mean this is chapter 4, in series one I was sure I knew who the killer was by now.'

'Well, I did know it was Joe. My agent had told me but I was sworn to secrecy. And to be honest you didn't know. I mean remember you are the worst cop in Britain.'

DI Hardy looked at Miller, she was right. He cocked his head to the side and rolled his eyes.

Had she done something to her hair? He had seen her with the Captain yesterday. Her hair was starting to resemble the colour of a mahogany table. It also looked very similar to Captain James. He looked out into the office. In fact everyones hair seemed to be a very similar colour. Even Mansfield Mike was a strange brown colour his normal ginger gone.'

'Very enlightening I am sure Milahr. But lets do the briefing and assign tasks for today. I am going to mix it up a bit.'

'Oh great have we got Mary Berry coming in?'

'No Millahr!'

DI Hardy got up slowly from his desk. This was definitely the nightmare that never ended. All he needed now was some other TV show trying to encroach on his territory. He walked into the ops tent Captain James was calling the team to order.

'Right lads, we are out of here to Bastion at 04:00hrs. Oh no sorry we already did that. We will be carrying out surveillance work today I believe. Where is Captain Azzizi and the ASF?'

2 Section looked at him blankly whilst Molly Dawes stood up looking through the open tent flaps.

'Sir, something doesn't feel right. She looked out, 'I don't see the ASF or Azzizi.'

DI Hardy spoke slowly ' That Dawes is because this is Ingerland! And they are in Afghanistan in your imaginary world. Captain James take a seat I will conduct the briefing today.'

Fingers looked at Qaseem 'Any idea what the bloke said?' Qaseem shook his head. Captain James stepped over to Qaseem and slapped him on the back 'Never mind sunshine sit back and do the job you are bloody good at.'

Captain James smiled, he knew today he looked particularly good. Molly Dawes had worked long and hard into the night. Those blisters needed a lot of work. He walked over to Hardy and slapped him on the back 'Right oh, old chap double away.'

DI Hardy stood at the front of the tent. There were various whiteboards which should have relevant information pertaining to this operation. In fact they seemed to be covered with games of noughts & crosses. 'Who did this?'

The tent fell silent. Everyone shuffled and looked at the floor. Suddenly a lone voice spoke up 'it was me.'

Hardy looked around. 'Barnaby, what the hell are you doing here?'

'Well, its ITV we gotta look out for each other you know. Any murders yet? I love a good murder'

Hardy shook his head, how many more people were going to arrive in Broadchurch. It was getting out of hand.

'Take a seat Barnaby. I will let you know if I need you.'

Hardy cleaned the white boards and began writing various tasks and assigning names beside them.

'This is serious people. We have a plot line to crack. You are losing the plot.'

There was much laughing within the tent from the officers and 2 section.

Miller stood up 'Losing the plot Sir, yes excellent brilliant in fact.'

'Millahr sit down.' 'Right, yes, excellent.'

Captain James stood up. 'I just want to say DI Hardy You've taught me more in the last few days than a year at Sandhurst and four tours ever did.'

'Well, I am glad you feel that way James, because today you need to take King Antoine with you on patrol. So perhaps you can share some of your new found knowledge with him.'

Captain James shook his head 'Oh no, he can sod off out of it.' Hardy nodded 'Understand what you mean but, its done.'

Everyone looked over at King Antoine he was sat in the tent with his goblet. Hardy called him 'King Antoine, any chance you can get involved here?'

Antoine stood up. His crown was slightly more tilted than normal. He seemed to be swaying probably due to the fact he was never seen without his goblet in hand. 'Captain James, I hear good things about you. Your army may be small but they are loyal. Your hair may be full of grime but it is a good colour. Your medic, well she is like a fine goblet of wine. One that you would be careful not to spill.'

'Your clothes though are very drab and to be honest a crown would not go amiss. But, these are things I am willing to work on with you. I suggest we leave post haste and go to the local tavern for a Guinness.'

He looked over at Captain James. The Captain was taping into his phone. He looked across. 'Sorry old chap missed all of that I decided to tweet to my 27k followers and see if anyone had a lead on this weeks episode. We are four episodes down we are no clearer as to the plot line, we need all the help we can get.'

Molly Dawes began crying, sobbing in fact. Fingers had his head n his hands. Brains was onto note book 12,381 but stopped writing long enough to look up and say 'Bossman you know you only tweet once a quarter, you cant just start changing and tweeting every week. What happens next you tweet daily?'

The whole tent erupted into laughter at the thought of Captain James tweeting regularly. Ain't gonna happen Kinders thought.

'Well, I might do that.' Said Captain James. Again the tent erupted into laughter. 'Oh Captain James you spoil us with your funny stories.' King Antoine swept into a low bow.

'Come brother let us go.' King Antoine took another swig from his goblet as left the group.

'I am not your brother old chap and please don't slap me on the back again.' King Antoine laughed and nodded his head towards the open tent flaps. Captain James followed King Antoine out of the tent. If he did that nodding head thing any more today he would seriously punch him Captain James thought. It was bloody annoying!


	5. Chapter 5

'Millahr'

'Again am stood right beside you boss.'

'Oh right yeah. Well, we need to take a drive and as I cant drive you will need to do it.'

'Oh right, excellent we are like Thelma & Louise going on a road trip.'

'More like Laurel & Hardy Millahr! Lets go.'

'Where are we going Sir.'

'I am not sure yet, just drive.'

'Right well OMG I meant to tell you something very important. Like so important I don't know how I forgot to tell you really.'

'Right so do you want to tell me?'

'Yes so, well, anyway I was looking at the goblet that King Antoine carries around.'

'The goblet Millahr?'

'Yes so this goblet well its never empty. And I thought well, thats odd, how does that happen?'

'This is all brilliant detective work. What did you find out?'

'Well nothing really, but I think the goblet just refills on its own.'

'Amazing Millahr, you spent how long working on this?' Miller pondered 'well probably all of yesterday and maybe the day before. Quite possibly the day before that also. Yes excellent.'

'Millahr you should be fired. You are losing the plot, no you have lost the plot.'

'Right, well, thats excellent. Oh great we are here.'

'Where are we Millahr we seem to have been driving for hours, oh we are outside the station. How did that happen?'

'Well, I just drove around Broadchurch a lot.'

Millahr, I need to break this plot line I just want the truth.'

Someone knocked at the window of the car. Hardy pressed the window button 'DI Hardy I just wanted to let you know; You can't handle the truth.' The man then backflipped away and took off running very fast into the night.

'Millahr, what was that?'

'Right, well, I think that was Tom Cruise cause you know he was in that film where he said I want the truth and then Jack Nicolson says you cant handle the truth…'

'Shut the fk up Millahr.'

'Right got it will do.'

Meanwhile up on a very dark cliff top….

'King Antoine any chance you can put the goblet away. We are on patrol and well, really we should not be drinking anything other than water. To be honest even that is dangerous taking into account where we are walking.'

'Relax James. This is medicinal you know. I am in need of refreshment, well I guess you could say I like to party so my head is somewhat fragile at the best of times. In fact thinking of parties I will be hosting a gathering tomorrow. You must come. I will have them prepare a chamber for you.'

'King Antoine well, when I first saw you walking up the cliff's tonight, I thought you'd hold the platoon back... be one of those bad apples that infects the rest of those around them. I was right to be honest. You wouldn't know a day's hard work if it hit you in the back of the head and knocked your crown off.'

'Captain James, I find you mesmerising. Your wit, your charm. I bet you are a real hit with the ladies. You must come to my court. I think once I have attired you in some suitable robes you could be popular and although you are not as handsome as I well, you seem to have some good breeding. Do you have any French connections?'

Captain James looked around him. People were not taking this mission seriously. Drinking on duty whatever next? He looked over at Dawes. Hmmm perhaps a private word would not go amiss she could sort out those blisters. Maybe over in that long grass area…..

They were hunkered down on the cliff's. He hoped there were no accidents it was pretty high and Mansfield Mike had forgotten to being the torches. Luckily King Antoine's trumpeters were carrying candles so they had some light. Oops a gust of wind had blown them out.

'Focus up lads, remember this is not about number one its about numbers two through twelve.'

'What number am I Sir?' Nude-Nut was looking around 'Anyone know?'

Captain James adopted a very serious face and with his hand up in the air did a twirl motion. That always let people know he was in charge. Bit like a tourist guide to be honest but, it seemed to do the trick.

There was a noise, a bang 2 section dropped to the ground. 'Take cover.' Kinders shouted out.

'Bleeding cover where are we supposed to do that Corp, we are on a bleeding cliff.'

'Private Dawes, I need you now.'

'Sir.'

'Sorry Sir, where are you?' Captain James nodded his head in his direction. Oh bugger it was too dark she would not see that.'

'Oh Sir, don't mind if I do. I didn't realise you had brought a picnic with you.'

A flash of lightening and crash of thunder showed Dawes sitting with King Antoine on a picnic rug at the front of the cliff's. They appeared to be sharing a goblet although King Antoine was holding the goblet for Dawes. He never put that goblet down. They also appeared to be sharing cod and chips wrapped in the Broadchurch Gazette.

Captain James was now furious. He had been on the cover of this weeks Gazette. And he had looked might fine too even if he did say so himself. He was now chip paper. This was not good.

'Dawes!'

She looked up startled and began giggling 'Oh King A, you c'kwomble trying to catch me out again. I don't know how I keep falling for your lines. But you can take Captain James accent off to a T.'

King Antoine stood and helped the medic up. She was a fine specimen of a woman he thought. He must ensure she is in the back of the carriage when he headed back to Navarre. Maybe he could find some blisters for her to take care of. He smirked and gave her the quick once over as she headed towards Captain James direction.

'Dawes if you don't get over here now I will have you up on a charge. I need some eye drops ASAP and my blisters need looking at.'

'Sir.' Dawes jumped up and ran to Captain James side dropping her bergen. 'Head back Sir.'

'Molly get off me.'

'Oh sorry Baz. Thought you were Bossman. Boss, Sir where are you?'

There was no response from Captain James. Kinders began shouting 'Captain James.'

There was no sound.

Kinders shouted out 'Captain James is down.'

Captain James was not talking.

xxxxxxxxxxx

DI Hardy and DS/PC Miller arrived on the cliff's. They had big torches. They headed to the top.

King Antoine was sprawled on a Throne. How had he got that up there? He was guzzling out of his goblet and seemed to be slightly drunk. He also seemed to be singing. Was it? Yes, it was don't go breaking my heart. He appeared to be singing to the medic but she was oblivious.

He reached out and grabbed Hardy as he went to try and walk past. 'The Captain is missing Hardy. Is it the dark warriors? Have they taken him to France?'

Hardy pushed the King back. Shaking his head he prodded him in the chest. 'You are drunk King Antoine why is that?'

The King didn't answer but seemed to be singing again. Oh no it was getting worse he was now singing dancing queen.

The medic was lying on the grass sobbing. 'Where is the Bossman? He will need his blisters checking.'

Kinders was issuing orders to 2 section. They were covering all areas of the cliff's in the search to find the Captain. This was going to be a long night.

Hardy went to the edge of the cliff's and looked down. He could see more torches but, no sign of Captain James. Where was Captain James?

Hmmmm he thought and turned to Millahr 'there was a boy, there was a plot line, there was a lot of sea and me standing on the cliff's looking out.'

'Right yes fantastic. What does that have to do with Captain James going missing.'

'I don't know Millahr, I am the worst cop in Britain wouldn't know if I had solved this for at least another four episodes.'

'Right well thats fantastic then.'

'Millahr it's not though is it?'

'No absolutely not, dreadful, excellent.'

'How can a Captain just disappear, I mean how is that possible?'

Millahr stood next to Hardy wondering the same thing. Where was Captain James?

xxxxxxx

Captain James woke up and looked around him. His head hurt had someone hit him? He remembered the cliff's, he remembered calling the medic. But then nothing.

He was in some sort of caravan. It was covered in beach scenes. A woman sat across from him crocheting. 'oh hello CJ welcome home.'


	6. Chapter 6

Captain James helped himself to another slice of homemade lemon drizzle cake. He looked around the caravan. The women sat around him were gazing at him as though they had never seen anyone like him before. He was sure it was because he looked particularly good. He was wearing a rather fetching homemade crocheted cape in the most vivid jewel colours. He also had a rather nice matching beret which he wore at a jaunty angle. No one could accuse him of not being stylish he thought to himself.

'Captain James, oh please tell us more stories where you saved someone or had to crawl 200 feet on your stomach to save someone. Or survived a shooting and saved someone.'

'Ladies, ladies those events were minor incidents compared to right now. You do know I have no hair products and I require L'Oreal Luscious Curls for everyday use and Mahogany hair colour to ensure those curls look good. These are necessary staples in my life. I mean I can live without air to be honest. But I cant live without luscious curls you know what I mean.' He looked around him and all eyes were fixated on his lovely hair. They began nodding in unison, muttering to each other and one stood up. She was wearing gym attire and said 'I will go, leave it to me Captain J.'

'To be honest I prefer Captain James. Not really liking the whole dropping of _ames. _I think its quite an important part of my name. Really adds statue to me if you get my drift.'

'Oh right, I see. oki doki then. I am running now to get these for you. I need to run at least 20 km a day. Leave it to me.'

With that she was gone. 'Oh that Kimmy she is a scream with all her running. She really just needs to do some crocheting. You wouldn't believe the biceps I have from it.' Captain James looked over to his host Josephine who was rolling up the sleeves of her blouse to show them off.

He looked around at the women hovering 'anyone know anything about blisters?'

xxxxxxxxxx

DI Hardy stood outside the court room with Millahr. They had received a tip off reference the whereabouts of Captain James. He had been missing 48 hours and the situation was critical if not severe. Probably very severe to be honest. Well, it was really worrying, like incredibly worrying. The kind of worrying where perhaps he should go and sit on the beach staring moodily out to sea. The script had called for very pained faces so he and Millahr had been practising all morning.

'Millahr.'

'Yes again, I am right beside you.'

'Yeah, okay, right once we have this search warrant you need to go with the swat team, the bomb squad, SAS, Mounted police and erm, the Special Afghan Forces will meet you there.'

'Afghan forces Sir?'

'Millahr I don't know why they are coming. Some bloke called Tizer, Prezzo, Bizzi or something rang me and was sobbing down the phone asking about the Captain. Said he was on a plane on his way to Brize Norton. Apparently they are BFF whatever that means.'

'Ah how lovely it means best friends forever.' Hardy glared at Millahr 'Right, thats great, well, I mean excellent yes.'

'Millahr you just need to get on with it. I don't write the bloody script. Just do the job you're bloody average at and hopefully we will have Captain James back by tea time.'

'Right, yes, excellent will do that then.'

DI Hardy saw the legal team handling the warrant and went over to them. 'Ms McBeal how are you?'

'Yes, just dandy. I have all the paperwork to file but, just a small problem Did you see my dancing baby? He was around here a minute ago?'

'Dancing baby? Are you feeling okay?'

'Millahr!'

'Yes, I am here what do you want?'

'We seem to be missing a baby. A dancing baby. Or our solicitor is sick.'

Millahr looked around, she saw no babies and certainly no dancing babies. But hold on there was music playing where was that coming from she looked up. Hardy was looking at her and then he looked around. 'Ohhnkaa chukka, ohhnkaa, ohhnkaa, ohhnkaa, chukka, ohhmka chukka.'

( /oHSuyTrKwdg)

'Millahr?'

'No idea Sir, oh my God dancing baby.'

In front of them was a dancing baby 'I cant stop this feeling, deep inside of me.'

Ms McBeal started dancing, she wore very short skirts Millahr thought. She looked down at her orange jacket, maybe she needed a change. Hardy looked at Millahr 'You know what I am thinking?'

'Right, yes I think so it's my jacket?'

'No Millahr, I am not thinking about your jacket. But, as you are mentioning it. It is bad really bad so bad it hurts my eyes to be honest. '

'Right, well thats very honest and erm truly excellent.'

'Millahr.'

'Sorry Boss, I should know but I can't take my eyes off the dancing baby. I feel as though I want to dance too.'

Ms McBeal danced past them 'Lets go in and take our seats people.'

Hardy looked at Millahr 'This is not in the bloody script. Who is this dancing baby and why is he jumping in on our plot line?'

'Right, well I don't know anything about that. I thought Ally McBeal was off the air. But can we use him to help us crack the confusing plot line?'

Hardy shook his head. All this worrying was not helping him. A missing Captain, a dancing baby. Just too much right now. He popped a couple of pill's. Luckily his doctor had given him sachets of pill's those damn bottle's were obviously _worst cop in Britain_ proof.

He sat down in the court room behind Ms McBeal. She was filing her request for the warrant. The Judge looked vaguely familiar. Very familiar… This was not in the script, these damn writers always changing things and not telling people about it.

'Millahr who is that Judge? I know his face.'

'Oh right, yes, well thats, its King Antoine. He was at a loose end today.'

Hardy rolled his eyes. This case was getting more complicated by the minute, too many people were getting involved. Why oh why had this happened to him. And what the hell was that King doing here. He looked over at him. He was sprawled in the chair and was he, yes he was sipping from a goblet and holding a silver hip flask in his other hand.

'DI Hardy, are you listening?' Hardy looked up the Lord was addressing him. 'Sorry your honour, your Kingship, judgeship. What did you say?

'I asked if it was true you were the worst cop in Britain?' Hardy nodded 'Apparently so although I would dispute it.'

'Yes, well, I am inclined to refuse this warrant. Are you one hundred per cent sure that searching this caravan will uncover the plot line?'

'Actually no your, Kingship, Lordship it will actually lead us to recover Captain James who is an integral part of our team to crack and uncover the confusing plot line that has been dropped into series 2 of Broadchurch. It's a joint Our Girl/ Broadchurch operation.'

Ms McBeal stood up 'Your honour may I approach the bench?'

King Antoine stood up. 'I think we can do better than that I suggest we head into my chambers and have this discussion in private.'

'DI Hardy.' Hardy looked over to the King who was now standing. He nodded his head to call him over. Oh boy he had been spending too much time with Captain James that bloody nodding head thing was really getting on his nerves. 'King Antoine?' The King handed a folder piece of paper to him. 'I have decreed that the hunt to locate and capture Captain James may go ahead. Go forth and find him.'

'Err, right thank you. Well, if that is the case why do you need Ms McBeal?' King Antoine came to Hardy and whispered to him ' DI Hardy, I suppose you could say it is work related. I have some reports to review and erm, well I think she may be able to assist me. Bringing Ms McBeal here was a brilliant idea.'

'Is that a euphemism King Antoine.' The King laughed and slapped Hardy on the back. 'Of course it is. You know me too well my friend. Come Ms McBeal and bring the dancing baby I am used to spirits around me.'

Hardy walked out of the courtroom. He could tell this was going to be a long day. His phone was buzzing he looked at it and read what was on the screen. Banging his hand on the wall in anger he looked across at Miller.

'Er right, well I may know something about that.'

Hardy looked at his phone. ' Bloody twitter again. Millahr.'

'Right, yes am here. The thing is I love you more than chocolate.'

'What?'

'Well, it's not like it sounds. I said that to King Antoine. Because to be honest I really think I do love him more than chocolate. He is such a tease and I could not resist a drink. You know he carries a silver hip flask and the goblet. Goodness knows what is inside it. He made me drink from it.'

'Millahr what the hell are you talking about? And what does this have to do with Captain James being missing? Or a bloody dancing baby. You were supposed to be out looking for Captain James yesterday. Thats what you were supposed to be focusing on. Instead you went out and got drunk with that King.'

'I know ha ha. Right, excellent, no it's not funny. No what happened was I tweeted about the confusing plot line a couple of days ago. It's amazing how many people are also confused and anyway's I got chatting to this very nice lady. She crochets capes, blankets. Well, actually she will make anything you want. Did you need a blanket or a cape or maybe a beanie hat?'

'Millahr, so help me God I may well kill you today. You were tweeting the day Captain James disappeared?'

'Right, excellent, amazing yes it was that day. How funny is that? What a coincidence.'

'Millahr.'

'Sorry, right so, well there I was tweeting and she offered to help. Said she would give the team some homemade cake and I mean everyone needs cake. So, well I think I might have told her they were going to the cliff's.'

'King Antoine well last night he wanted to help, so we went looking for the woman and her crochet club. Thats how we got the tip off. The crochet club cancelled yesterdays meeting. King Antoine well, he seemed so helpful and said this was a big clue. But, now I realise he just wants to party. And was hoping the crochet club was full of woman for him to knit with.'

'Is that another euphemism Millahr?' She nodded.

Hardy rolled his eyes. This was all so confusing. Once again he was in the midst of something so dire, deeply troubling. It was one of those moments when he should head to the cliff's, take a walk. Look troubled. Look worried.

'Millahr just tell me, because I am so confused right now. The crocheting woman is the woman with the caravan and the woman who probably has Captain James and she is the woman you are tweeting with who was in the crochet club which cancelled it's meeting that led to you and King Antoine thinking she is involved and going looking for her yesterday but, actually going out and getting drunk so really we are no further forward and you and the King are just a couple of f'kmuppets who get drunk?'

She nodded. 'Excellent Boss you are on the right track.' He nodded his weary head. The pain and angst he felt made him look very worried.

'Right, well I think we should go to your house now and put lots of things on the walls to look busy and then I will make us some tea. Oh no I cant because you are out of teabags and milk.'

'Millahr how do you know that?'

'Well, me and the King crashed there last night. I thought it would be okay as you were sitting on the beach looking moodily out to sea and my head was hurting. Did you know there is a fairground behind your house? The King and I went on the tea cups he thought it was fantastic. Oh we had such fun. If you like we can do the bumper cars?'

'Millahr shut the f'k up.'

'Right, yes, excellent, got it.'


	7. Chapter 7

Millahr and Hardy walked into his house. For some reason 2 section had moved in and were doing something called the 50 cup cake challenge. There was icing everywhere and Mansfield Mike was shouting 'no ones gonna steal it Dangles count ya chews.' The medic was in the corner wailing about Captain James blisters. She was one dedicated medic he thought and they must be really smelly blisters by now.

Millahr had covered every available wall with pictures of Captain James. He was not sure what purpose this was serving as nothing here indicated the whereabouts of the Captain or suggested any clues but she had been insistent and she seemed to have a lot. He walked into the kitchen and was shocked to find she had covered the wall space with more photos of him. Even the kettle was covered in pictures this was getting out of hand.

He could not get his head around everything and still he had no idea how to solve this damn confusing plot line. He pulled out his note book and walked over to 2 section. Looking at Fingers he said 'You have been brought here before the Council of Magical Law so that we may pass judgment on you, for a crime so heinous.'

Fingers looked up at him 'listen mate I would love to be able to help ya, but I cant understand a bloody word you saying.' He shook his head and looked around him. 'Qaseem mate help us out.'

Qaseem looked up and pressed pause on his iPod. 'I am trying to learn Scottish it is taking me longer than I thought. It's not easy.'

Fingers shook his head and stuffed another cupcake in his cake hole.

Hardy looked at the front of his notebook. 'Millahr'

'Yes, right, I am here.' He flung the notebook at her. She bent down to pick it up from the floor. Goblet of Fire was written on the front. 'You do know this is the wrong show. I mean actually that was a movie, and correct me if I'm wrong but I think its quite famous.'

'Millahr, where is my notebook.' She looked around her. 'Ah I see it.' She reached over to Brains who was asleep on top of his notebook collection. She patted his head poor lad he had been writing for days. She passed Hardy his notebook. He went to sit on the sofa to read thru it but Nude-Nut was spread out with a copy of HelloHola on his lap. He headed for the front door and as he reached it the doorbell went.

Millahr looked over at DI Hardy 'Who is that?' He chose to ignore her suddenly weary again and pushed the door open.

Outside stood approximately twenty men all in some form of traditional dress. 'Yes what do you want?'

'I am Captain Azzizi I have come to reclaim our beloved Captain James.'

'Right you had better come in, its all getting bit crowded in here.'

Hardy let the new arrivals in and went back to the sofa. Millahr was conducting a briefing. Great he sat back thinking she was planning the operation to recover Captain James. He pulled out the correct notebook and sat ready to make notes.

'So excellent, right at 19.30 hours we will head out to the fairground and I suggest we split up and Sir do you want to go on the bumper cars with me?'

In a corner sat King Antoine wearing a rather lovely brocade waistcoat, shaking his head he said to no one in particular 'these people throw a dismal party.'

xxxxxxx

There were lots of oohs and cooing as the women around Captain James fluffed up his curls. He swiped their hands away. 'Ladies please, do not touch this hair. Its insured for over a million and in my contract I have my personal hairdresser attend to it at all times. I am really missing my hairdresser.'

A lone hand went up 'Captain James I am a trained hairdresser and a nurse. Perhaps I can assist on the hair front. I could also take a look at those blisters?'

Captain James swivelled around in his chair. He was now wearing a rather fetching sweater with a stag on the front. 'You can take a look at my blisters?' She nodded. 'Right everyone out.'

The caravan emptied and he swivelled back in his chair. 'Right then lets get down to it.' Nurse / Hairdresser Lauren opened her medic bag and pulled out a huge pair of pliers 'Captain James get those boots off and I will take care of those blisters for you.'

'Err right, don't you want me to strip off?' She shook her head 'Not necessary Captain unless you have blisters elsewhere. Do you have blisters elsewhere?' She looked him up and down quizzically. He shook his head sadly and leaned down to undo the laces on his boots. He missed Molly she really knew how to take care of his blister issues.

xxxxxxxxx

Hardy climbed out of the bumper cars he had been bumped by every bloody member of 2 section. Millahr thought it hilarious and had insisted he ride on his own so everyone could have a go. He decided the best thing to do was walk along the beach and look for inspiration and clues. As he began heading off the lads from 2 section saw him go and thought they too should take a walk and look for inspiration. Then Captain Azzizi and his troops thought they should follow 2 section as to be honest they did not know where they were and where to go to reclaim Captain James. Also these cars did nothing but go round in circles and they considered it a fruitless exercise to drive and go no where.

Millahr stopped her bumper car and realised she was now the only person left. What had happened and where was everyone? She climbed out and walked over to the hoop throwing stand. King Antoine was leaning over chatting to a young girl. She heard the words, private party and Navarre as she tapped him on the shoulder. He swung round and as he did so his cape (a new one but it looked suspiciously like her brocade curtains) swung into her and knocked her over.

King Antoine swept down to lift her up 'Ah Ellie Miller. Your eyes are like capulets of the sea. Your skin like the promise of an early morning dew. Your hair is like hmmm, well it's a not so good. You could do with some goats milk to soften those curls. Let us go to my chambers and I will have my manservant wash your hair for you whilst I watch. His lips curled at the sides as he said it and he looked off into the distance at something.' Millahr followed his gaze but could see nothing.

'Ooh King Antoine do you have any food there? I am feeling peckish.'

'I have strawberries and snow and who knows what sort of royal delicacies may be touching your lips soon. Come Ellie Miller let us retire.' He inclined his head towards her giving her a devilish grin.

'Retire, I don't retire for another 35 years King Antoine. Maybe I need to crack on and find DI Hardy.'

King Anotine looked down at Miller taking her by the arm. 'You are full of wit Ellie Miller I may take you back to Navarre as the court jester. Come let us go.'

xxxxxxxxxx

'Millahr.'

'Yes, right I am here.'

'Where were you?' Millahr looked around her 'Well I went to get my hair washed. King Antoine has a man who washes your hair in goats milk. My hair is as soft as kittens fur he told me. Then he fed me strawberries and snow. I mean where do you think he finds snow here?'

'Millahr forget that now we have a clue.'

'A clue oooh what is it?'

DI Hardy pulled out a book covered in a strange cloth. He laid it down on the grass and unwrapped it. 'It's a book Millahr and I think this belongs to Captain James.'

'How do you know it's his?' Millahr leaned down over the book. 'Well, a giveaway clue is inside - this book is the property of Captain James delightful and handsome British Captain.'

'Also I don't know anyone who uses Enid Blyton to solve's cases but for some reason I can believe he would.'

'I love Enid Blyton, what book is it let me see.'

'Millahr don't touch it.'

'Why, whats wrong with it?'

'Well, we think it has something in the pages that may have knocked him unconscious thereby allowing his kidnappers to get him off the cliff's.'

'Wow, what is it?'

'Calpol children's strength. Only he would fall over using calpol.'

'No, no the book.'

'Oh it's _Five have a mystery to solve.'_

'Millahr I suggest we return to the station and book this in. Ha ha see I made a joke book, book.'

Millahr shook her head 'Priceless, yes just brilliant Sir. But actually, whilst you have been wandering around here I have mobilised the swat team, SAS, bomb squad and Captain Azzizi's men. We take the caravan in an hour if you are interested in attending that?'

DI Hardy looked at Miller and called everyone to attention. 2 Section were playing volleyball and stopped to look at him. 'Focus up people we move in one hour.'

'Millahr lets go get the Captain.'


	8. Chapter 8

The SWAT team moved into position and gave the signal for everyone to remain in position. So everybody knelt or crouched down and was in position. Major Porter looked around 'Everyone stay in position until I give the signal to move from position then take up the forward positions.'

DI Hardy and Millahr had their flack jackets on. Millahr had refused to take her Orange jacket off so now resembled the Michelin man much to 2 Sections amusement.

Mansfield Mike came over to Millahr and tried to put his arm around her but stepped back laughing as she was just too flacked up!

Captain Azzizi and his men had changed into their military attire and were behind the SWAT team. The bomb squad were in their truck playing Old Maids. They were refusing to come out as they said if someone wanted to blow up a caravan let them do it.

DI Hardy shook his head for the umpteenth time that hour. These people were crazy, unhinged even. But, they had a job to do and that was to retrieve Captain James from the clutches of these crocheting women.

DI Hardy heard a noise and looked over his shoulder. King Antoine had arrived in full armour. 'What the f'k are you doing here? And what are you wearing?'

King Antoine swaggered over to DI Hardy swinging his sword in one hand and his goblet in the other. 'Hardy my good man, I heard there was a war and I thought I must be involved. The last war I was in, I killed over a thousand men with this very sword. Look at it, it's a beauty.'

Major Porter turned around and said 'Shhhh' to all. As he looked at Hardy he caught sight of King Antoine. He crawled on his stomach to their position. 'Who are you and why are you here?'

'Good Sir, I am King Antoine of Navarre and I am here to assist in claiming back my good friend Captain James.'

'Well, dressed like that you are not going anywhere. Stay here out of the way. Stop waving that bloody sword around and get rid of the f'kg goblet.'

King Antoine looked around him 'My army is not here. Is this some sort of revenge? Are you trying to rid yourselves of The House of Navarre.'

Major Porter looked at DI Hardy who was by now shaking his head. 'I can only apologise Major. I am surrounded by these idiots all day.'

Major Ported nodded and took off his headgear to run his hands through his luscious black hair. His piecing blue eyes focused on the King and he resisted the urge to say what he really felt about this muppet. He fixed his headset and put his helmet back on. 'You stay here, you stay out of the way do you understand me?'

'I do Sir, although may I say I am very disappointed. I came with good intentions to assist my dear friend in the hope he would come back to us.'

DI Hardy looked over 'I thought the whole point of being royal was to get others to do things for you King Antoine.'

The King looked down at his creaking armour and laughed. 'Ah DI Hardy my friend you do cause me much merriment and laughter. I will miss you when I go back to Navarre. Perhaps you would do me the honour of attending my court one day. I will throw you a wonderful party. I do throw fabulous parties with all sorts of mystery and intrigue thrown in.' He gave a nod of his head and as he did the front plate on his head armour fell shut. 'DI Hardy, can you assist? Millahr, Medic, anyone?'

People were looking around pretending they had not heard anything. The King began thrashing around trying to use his sword to lift the face plate. In the end DI Hardy crawled towards him and stood to remove it. 'Ah DI Hardy my good friend I knew you would come through and save me.'

DI Hardy looked at Major Porter. Shaking his head as some sort of an apology. Major Porter nodded back. He was familiar in a your far too handsome sort of way. DI Hardy looked at Millahr who was flailing around on the ground in her flack jacket. 'Millahr' he whispered 'what are you doing now?'

'Right, yes, super, lovely. I seem to be strapped in this bloody jacket and I can't get out. Those 2 Section boys have padlocked it or something.'

'Millahr.'

'Sir?'

'Just shut the f'k up okay.'

'Right, yes, got that.'

xxxxxxxx

'So hold on Josephine if I want to do a half double crochet stitch I need to do this?' Captain James held up the scarf he was working on.

The crocheting women looked across at him marvelling at his crochet stitches. They were truly the best she had ever seen. Sometimes she crocheted all night, could crochet for days. Her stitches never looked this perfect. He had picked it up quickly and was now making a scarf for someone called Molly. Many of the crocheting women were not too happy about that. But as he was staying put and had not tried to escape they thought the chances of him seeing this Molly were remote.

The scarf would probably be fought over. The women eyed each other up all with the same thought 'I want that scarf.' Juliet Jackson looked up from her crocheting and across at HellBells she thought to herself I could take her out if she makes a play for it. It could turn messy but perhaps he could make more. Ah yes the women settled back smiling the Captain was going to here a long time so there was plenty of crocheting hours available. Scarves all round.

The door swung open and Lauren the Nurse/ Hairdresser jumped in. She was carrying a chainsaw which looked like it had seen better days.

'Captain James I found the perfect thing to sort those bleeding blisters out. My Dad had this in the garden shed he does not use it anymore. Yes, it's a bit rusty but those blisters will be off in a jiffy. Get them boots off. She pulled the chain to fire it up and shredded some lovely Cath Kidston curtains as she swung round.

Captain James shrank back in his swivel chair. 'Erm, well I think Medic this is superb reconnaissance you have been on and to secure this, well just awesome. I want you to be brilliant of course but, my blisters are great. In fact no pain what so ever. I think they are cured. You know what they definitely are.'

Lauren looked crestfallen she had really been looking forward to giving this bad boy chainsaw a run out. He stood up and gave her a hug. 'You are a great medic Lauren. Perhaps one day we can review your skill set and discuss alone. But now lets celebrate.'

A cheer went up in the caravan and Josephine jumped up to press play on the iPod. Elton John and Kiki Dee started singing.

xxxxxxx

Outside a wail could be heard in the night. 'Thats my bleeding duet! Oh no he has someone else for his blisters.' Molly Dawes fell into a heap beside DI Hardy.

DI Hardy looked at Major Porter who was now signalling the platoon to move forward.

'Millahr.'

He looked over at Millahr who was now flailing around on the ground with Mansfield Mike. What the hell was going on? 'What are you doing? He snarled at them.'

'Right, yes, get off me you oaf.'

'Hey, I could pass for Prince Harry I will 'ave you know.'

King Antoine looked over 'There is more royalty here. Take me to him forthwith DI Hardy.'

Hardy looked around him. The place was in chaos.

Major Porter was signalling the platoon to move forward. The caravan could be seen clearly but, inside there seemed to be much merriment as the curtains were open. DI Hardy could see Captain James dancing doing what suspiciously looked like a cha, cha cha with a young woman who had flowing golden locks. 'Shake it down Lauren.' He heard the Captain cry whilst laughing and moving around the caravan.

Major Porter made his way to DI Hardy 'I thought this Captain James had been kidnapped? He looks like he is at a party for God's sake.'

DI Hardy shook his head for the millionth time and looked at Millahr. She was now shaking her head but it appeared that she was trying to shake off Mansfield Mike's hand as he was running his fingers through it 'Your hair is well soft darlin.'

'Corporal Kinders keep your men under control get that numpty away from Millahr and focus up.'

'On it DI Hardy.'

'Millahr get over here now.' Millahr scrambled across to DI Hardy. He looked around them 'Millahr why is Captain James in that caravan dancing?'

'Right, well King Antoine and I discovered the crochet club had kidnapped him and brought him here. We just assumed he was being held against his will. I mean he looks like he wants to get out.'

DI Hardy looked to the caravan windows and saw hands and arms all hanging onto Captain James. The Captain now appeared to be in some distress and was pushing them off whilst shouting for help to the young woman called Lauren.

There was a loud roar of something being started and they could see the young woman with flowing locks brandishing a chainsaw. She stood in front of the Captain and waved it around at the crochet women. They all stepped back whilst poking at her with crochet needles.

Captain James was pushed out of the door by Lauren who told him to make a run for it. He took off and heard Major Porter calling him. He ran towards the assembled SWAT team and saw DI Hardy and 2 Section behind them. 'Lads good to see you. What is happening here? Are you on patrol?'

DI Hardy spoke slowly and painfully 'Captain James we came for you, we heard you had been kidnapped by some crazed zombie like crocheting women. What we actually found was you swivelling around, strutting your stuff to 70's pop tunes. How do you explain that?'

Captain James stood up and slapped DI Hardy on the back 'So good to see you Hardy. Lets head back to the station and you can fill me in on the solving of the confusing plot line investigation.'

As they began walking Captain James looked over his shoulder 'Medic, I need you to look at my blisters.'

Molly Dawes came running at a gallop he had come back to her.


	9. Chapter 9

DI Hardy was in the Ops tent looking at the various whiteboards. 'Millahr.'

'Yes, as normal I am right here. And once again no need to shout.'

DI Hardy swivelled round in his chair towards Millahr who was wearing a black cape. 'Where is the orange jacket Millahr, no wonder I couldn't bloody see you.'

'Right, well, yes the thing is well, I sort of lost it last night when we went to get Captain James.'

'Millahr how could you lose something as loud as that?'

'Right, well, yes, lovely and all that. I erm, well the grass was wet so I took it off to sit on it. You know there is nothing worse than a wet bum on a stake out.

'Millahr get to the point I am losing the will to live here.' Hardy reached into his pocket and popped a few more pills.

'Right, yes well, when we all left with the Captain I sort of left it behind. I went back this morning to look but I think those crocheting women had made cushions out of it. I looked in at the caravan. Strange thing they had put appliqué stags on the cushions. What do you think that means?'

'Oh Millahr I have no idea what happens in your world. Cushions, stags. It's a bloody worry what goes on that head of yours. I miss Dr Who.'

Millahr sank down into a swivel chair and began spinning. 'Sorry Sir, Dr who? I'm spinning around, I'm spinning around, move out of my way….'

Millahr jumped up still singing and pulled at the cape to release it. But it didn't release and got caught up in the swivel chair which was still spinning. Millahr was still spinning and as she tumbled to the ground the cape fell open to reveal some gold hotpants.

'My eyes Millahr, my eyes' DI Hardy stumbled out of the room holding his hands over his eyes in great pain. Banging into doors and walls as he tried to get away. Millahr came running after him but she had still not got the cape off so was dragging a swivel chair behind her. 'DI Hardy, Sir, stop I need someone to get this bloody cape off me.'

'Why Ellie Miller, what a vision you are and right before me.' King Antoine stepped out of the shadows and stood in front of Millahr.

'May I assist you m'lady I have quite a way with capes.'

'Oh right, go on then King Antoine.'

King Antoine looked at the hook and flicked it with one finger.

Millahr looked down as the cape fell to the floor. 'How did you do that?'

'Ah Ellie Miller sometime I can open a cape with a blink. You are now free, free to go and, oh my what are you wearing? Or should I say not wearing? Gold is one of my favourite colours in fact if you want to see my under garments I also am in gold.'

'No, thats quite alright thank you. I need to go, I, err, well I was on my way to the gym. It was Kylie aerobics this morning. I must change sorry, erm, right, thank you.'

Millahr took off in the direction of the female changing rooms.

King Antoine turned to walk in the direction of DI Hardy's office and found him slumped over his desk. 'Hardy my good man are you well?'

DI Hardy looked up 'Oh bloody hell you are still here. Where is Millahr?'

'Why DI Hardy I availed her of her cape and she is shimmering around the office. Nothing like some gold under garments. I wear them myself. Would you like to see?'

DI Hardy stood up 'King Antoine there is nothing more I do not want to see than your gold bloody boxers.'

'Sir, my dogs are not gold although that is a good idea.' King Antoine leaned towards DI Hardy and slapped him on the back. 'You are full of great ideas. You must come to my court, I could use someone like you and I will pay you handsomely 300,000 Navarres a month. You could live comfortably on that. A small castle perhaps only 20 bedrooms but that should suffice for a man like yourself.'

DI Hardy sat down again, and laid his head back in his chair. He wondered what had happened to his career. Once he had been the best cop in Britain. Now he was the worst and surrounded by idiots with a case no one could solve.

'Ah Sir, actually the case has been solved.'

DI Hardy looked up. 'What did you say Millahr?"

Millahr stepped into his office. 'Well, the thing is we solved the case.'

'I don't understand how could we have solved the case? And how do you know what I was thinking?'

'Right well its some special effects from the producers. But, if you will follow me into the Ops tent.' Millahr turned and began walking towards the tent. She called 2 Section as she went and they jumped up to follow her.

DI Hardy got up from his desk and slowly walked following 2 Section. He was not sure what Millahr was wearing but it was a slight improvement on the gold hot pants. He had a headache now thinking of that. Millahr seemed to have some type of suit on, the back had lots of velcro fastenings most of which were not done up correctly. So the gold hot pants were still on display much to the sniggering delight of 2 Section who followed her closely.

Millahr went to the front of the tent standing beside the many whiteboards. There was one blank one and she grabbed some pens and began writing - We solved the confusing plot line case.

2 Section sat down at the front. Brains pulling out a new notebook for the occasion. He was writing furiously. DI Hardy looked over his shoulder to see what he was writing. He shook his head and backed away. These boys needed to get out of his station and out of his town pretty damn quick.

Brains looked down at the page nearly full. 'I love Captain James, I love Captain James, I love Captain James.' He turned over to a new page and began again 'I love Captain James.' He smiled to himself ahhhhhh Captain James he worshipped that man. Best Captain ever in the whole wide world of Captains, and best Captain of the universe fact. He looked around the tent where was Captain James and where was that medic? He shook his head she was like a stalker that one.

King Antoine swaggered into the tent looking around at the group before him. He had very much enjoyed his trip to meet these people in this far off land. He liked to travel but, he was needed at home in Navarre, there was a party to organise which he needed to attend to. Also his brother might be beheaded any minute so he supposed he should go home and save him. But, he did love a party. He felt perhaps it might be appropriate for him to celebrate the end of this visit by throwing a much needed party for the courtiers assembled before him.

He put the goblet up to his mouth and took a long drink. Ahhhh this wine was not so good what had happened? He looked around for the barrel but saw only empty bottles. He bent to look at the label. It was written in some strange language but, he could make out two words **Blue Nun**, oh no he was stunned. He was being poisoned by a Nun. They got everywhere Bash is to blame for this. He looked around is he here? He hurled his goblet across the room.

Millahr ducked as the goblet headed towards her. 'Right thank you King Antoine that is great but I don't think we can use that.'

King Antoine raised a quizzical eyebrow at Miller. Damn she was a fine specimen of a woman and those gold under garments. It really set his pulses racing. He should take her back to Navarre his wife would understand. Well, actually she wouldn't but what did he care. 'Ah Ellie Miller, your beauty as always stops me. But what did you say?'

'King Antoine, I am trying to explain that we have cracked the case. I was asking for volunteers to help write notes and you threw your goblet at me. But we need people to write with pens on the board. I don't think a goblet will work.'

King Antoine swept into a bow. 'Ah forgive me Ellie Miller I am afraid I cannot assist you on this task. I write only in latin being a King and I note here that you are writing in some foreign language which I simply do not understand.'

Mansfield Mike jumped up 'DS Miller, I can help. Please can I help?' He winked at her as he walked towards her.

'Right, well as I was saying. The case is solved, we have cracked it.'

'Hold up people. What is going on in here?' Captain James strode through the tent fully resplendent in headset and his gun swinging from his flack vest. Behind him came the medic who was looked a bit flushed and peaky.

'I don't recall telling anyone to start this briefing without me present DS Miller.'

'Right, well, I thought I would crack on Captain James. But as you are here.'

'Right focus up lads, I am here now.' Captain James pulled off his headset and ruffled his hair. As he did so he caught his reflection in a mirror he had placed in the tent a while ago. Damn he looked good. His hair after the hairdresser/nurse Lauren had coloured and cut it was looking good. He had suggested to Molly that he retain Lauren's services. But for some reason Molly was not open to that. He didn't want to upset her after all no one took as much care as she did with his blisters…..But it was damn hard to find a good hairdresser these days.

'So lads we were here to solve the case of the confusing plot line. I think I may have achieved that and right now I am going to explain to you how I have single handedly cracked it.' Captain James looked around the room for applause. Brains jumped up. 'Yes brill Bossman, you are the nuts.'

'Hold on a minute Captain James. What makes you think you solved the case?' DI Hardy stepped forward waving his notebook. 'I have here the notes that can prove I have cracked this case.'

Captain James walked towards DI Hardy and slapped him on the back. 'Oh Hardy old chap I did miss you when I was being held captive against my will by that armed crochet gang.'

DI Hardy looked around him in disbelief. 'Captain James I think its safe to say you didn't look like a man being held against his will. You were dancing quite happily in that caravan. And the only thing they had were crochet needles.'

'Hardy, are you saying I didn't crack the case, that I was enjoying myself and worse that I was dancing?'

Hardy nodded. He was tired these people were crazy. He wanted to lie down on the sofa in his office with a nice cold flannel over his forehead. He wanted to take a walk on the beach, stare moodily out to sea.

But of course that could not happen…..Yet

'Gentlemen and ladies I am glad I have not missed the debrief. I have some points to add.' Everyone swung around as Major Porter walked into the room. He was in full combat gear and still had his headset on.

'I couldn't find this damn place. It's a bit off the beaten track Hardy.' He slapped him on the back as he walked past.

Molly Dawes looked around 'So many bleeding interruptions here, it's a flipping nightmare this gaff.'

DI Hardy thought if another person does that to me I swear I will kill someone.

'So Captain James you look quite recovered from your ordeal.' He looked the Captain up and down and then saw the medic behind him. 'Medic have you given the Captain a thorough check up?'

Molly Dawes stepped forward and nodded 'Sir.'

Major Porter flashed his piercing blue eyes at her and said .'Anything to report?' She shook her head. 'No Sir, Captain James is in fine condition and has the stamina of an Arabian stallion.'

'Excuse me Medic what?' Molly Dawes stumbled backwards 'I mean, well he is in fine fettle, like good an that. His blisters will need some more attention later.'

Major Porter nodded but looked across at Captain James who was now standing in front of the mirror playing with his curls. 'Captain James are you with us?'

Captain James turned. 'Ah Major Porter delightful. I was just about to explain how I singlehandedly solved this case.'

'Yes, I heard that. Not so sure I would agree taking into account you have spent the last few days in a caravan crocheting with your kidnappers.'

DI Hardy looked from one to the other. Captain James had his arms folded and was scowling at the Major.

'Major Porter something you want to share with the room?' Major Porter moved towards Captain James and also crossed his arms. 'I don't think so, I think I have said enough right now.'

As the two stared at each other DI Hardy motioned to Millahr.

DS Millahr jumped up from her seat. 'So as I was saying.'

'Stop I need to know what is going on in here?'

Hardy shook his head as another person interrupted the proceedings. DI Barnaby entered the tent. 'Barnaby I must tell you once again to butt out this is not your show, not your bloody case.'

'Right fair enough Hardy. I do need to pop to Mothercare anyways. Bye all.'

'Millahr continue, just tell us what the bloody hell has happened so we can clear off.'

'Right, yes thank you. So as I was saying. This was a tricky case we had a confusing plot line and no one seemed to be able to solve it. But then we met in the tent, and then Captain James was kidnapped. King Antoine and I managed to track down the kidnappers. That gave us a really good insight into the plot line.'

'Hear, hear.' King Antoine was now sat at the back of the tent on his throne swigging out of the bottle. 'Carry on fair maiden and then let us be gone.'

'Right, great, super so anyway we had all of this. Hold on lets write this all up. Mansfield stop looking at my suit and focus up.' Mansfield looked at Millahr. 'Sorry Boss on it.'

'Millahr'

'Yes, I am right here.'

'You haven't solved the case have you?'

'What? Of course we have thats what we are writing notes on the board.'

Hardy popped some pills into his mouth. These days he popped pills like smarties. 'Millahr take a look at what he is writing.'

Millahr looked at the board - We have no clue as to what happened over the last few weeks. The confusing plot line confused the hell out of us and we have no idea what went on or what we need to do to get out of here. Signed Confused 2 Section smiley face.

'Millahr explain yourself?'

'Right, well I was thinking if I looked all efficient you might crack a bloody smile as it never happens. You spend most of the time walking along the beach or cliff's looking moodily out to sea. You constantly shout at me or else you talk in a whisper and I cant hear a word you are saying.'

'Millahr not the bloody wobbly lip, don't you dare cry. Oh I don't believe it. You are trying for another Bafta aren't you?' Hardy shook his head. 'I need my tardis, where is the tardis. I really need to get out of here.'

Fingers looked up from his seat 'Listen mate I still cant understand a word ya saying.'

DI Hardy walked calmly over to Fingers 'Theres a lot of things you need to get across this universe. Warpdrive, wormhole refractors. You know the thing you need most of all. You need a hand to hold. Fingers lets line dance my friend.'

'Millahr get some Billy Ray Cyrus going and lets dance people. Stuff the plot line, stuff the confusion. Lets line dance and lets do it now.'

'We cant solve this plot line but the good news is we can dance!' DI Hardy flung off his jacket and pulled at his tie.

King Antoine jumped up. 'I love to dance, Ellie Millahr take my hand let us dance together.'

Captain James was twirling Molly Dawes around the tent as 2 Section pushed the chairs out of the way.

'Don't break my heart my achy break heart' Sang DI Hardy as he popped some more pills.

Major Porter looked at the sight before him. It was carnage, chaos. In fact he had never seen anything like it before. He shook his head and backed out of the tent. He was never coming back to this place again. The people here were completely bonkers.

He was not sure what he could write in his report and realised that no one would believe anything he said. He looked over his shoulder as he stepped into the lift and saw Baz Vegas and Nude-Nut trying the Dirty Dancing lift. He laid his head against the wall and pressed ground floor. This was the bloody British Army….

xxxxxxxxxx

Captain James opened one eye. His heard was splitting that had been some party. He looked over to his left at the noise. The wardrobe door was ajar. 'Molly are you in the wardrobe?'

'Yes Boss. Sometimes I like to stand in here and smell your clothes. Takes me back to Afghan.'

'Right, yes well that is super and wonderfully commendable but I think you should come on out. My blisters need some attention before breakfast and we need to get the National Express at 0930 hours.'

'On it Boss.' Molly Dawes launched herself out of the wardrobe towards Captain James. 'I am so glad you are back boss, I just cant look at anyone else's blisters.'

Captain James pulled the medic towards him. 'My blisters will keep you busy for a long time Dawesy.'

xxxxxxxxx

**_To the Twitter & Mumsnet crew this has been fun writing for you. Thank you for the messages and kind words. I am now off to plan Fifty Shades of Lady Jane Grey Meets King Antoine. Eyes on….Swivel beds, stags and who knows DI Hardy may pop up. _**


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